When The Cat's Away
by picaropicara
Summary: However close he came to Lenalee, he was constantly thwarted by the apparent hordes of scientists, alchemists and general helpers, some of whom with increasingly ludicrous and suspicious facial hair. A Bak/Lenalee fic


**Bak/Lenalee – When The Cat's Away...**

"Gentlemen. This is a matter of the utmost importance. I order a halt on all jobs, reports and work assigned prior to this moment. This, men, is a job that will task you to the limits of your abilities."

Komui nodded at Reever, who flipped the page on his wallchart.

"This is Subject A." He pointed proudly at a stick figure with a shock of green hair.

"A bush?" Johnny hazarded.

Russell spoke after a moment of consideration. "It looks like a toupee."

"YES. IT'S A TOU- NO!" Komui danced in frustration

"I never knew you wore a toupee sir."

"NO!"

"Come now, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Supervisor."

"IT'S LENALEE! Look; see her beautiful flowing locks, her winning smile and her large soulful eyes!" Komui crooned over her picture.

The Science department studied the doodle in fascination for a moment, trying to decipher the soulful scribbles from the scribble scribbles... Reever coughed discreetly to break Komui out of his Lenalee induced reverie.

"And this is Subject B, otherwise known as Baktopus, Bak-devil and Baka-Bak." He menaced the horned figure with his pointing stick.

"Subject B is an indolent hormonal horror and an affront to my little Lena-lily flower! Lenalee must be monitored around the clock to prevent interaction with Subject B. They must be prevented from meeting at all costs! I will not tolerate laxity in this! Anyone who fails my task gets to be the test dummy for Komurin 1.5!"

As one the department saluted, arms propelled by absolute horror.

"Tap-Dop you are on first watch, Sixty-Five you are in charge of communications."

Johnny raised a tentative hand. "Um, sir, where will you be during this... um...?"

"I have a meeting to attend." Komui burst into tears. "I didn't want to go but Lenalee and this jerk," he indicated Reever, who rolled his eyes, "are making me!"

"That's because you have to do some actual work **some** time, Chief. Speaking of which, it's time to leave." Reever began to drag the flailing Chief from the room, sighing impatiently.

"DO NOT FAIL ME!" Komui wailed as his hands were pulled from the door frame. His sobs echoed down the corridor for a moment, leaving the Science Department in stunned silence.

* * *

"Was that completely necessary, Chief?" Reever glanced at the sulking Supervisor slouching along the corridor next to him. "I'm sure Lenalee will be just -"

Komui slapped a hand over his subordinate's mouth and pulled him back against the wall. Eyes narrowed he peered around the corner to see the blond Asian Section Leader, holding a bunch of flowers and reading instructions off a small cue card. He scowled and stepped out menancingly.

"...eyes like limpid pools of water, glinting in the moonlight..."

"Hello there... Bak..."

The younger leader's body completely stiffened and he choked as he turned to face the looming figure of Komui.

"Mmmurgle?"

"What pretty flowers you have there." His grin widened as he towered above the trembling man. "And who might those be for, hm? It isn't anyone's birthday... is it?"

Bak wracked his brain, which seemed to be shutting down in the cold aura put out by Komui. _Think dammit, you can outwit this man!_

"Um, er, for you?" He gained strength in his answer. _Not bad!_ "Yes, for you! As a thank you for... letting me visit! Of course I didn't know I would see you and you're obviously busy so I was just going to give them to -"

Komui swooped down and snatched the bouquet, pushing Bak aside in his hurry.

"For me? Why Bak, you didn't have to at all! Don't worry; Reever will take these for me and we'll hurry along. I'm sure you have things to do too." Komui's face was distorted in a horrifying approximation of a grin. Reever winced behind him and decided to step in.

"Yes of course, I'll take these... why don't you head along to my office and we'll... discuss our latest inventions! I'll be right along when I, um, yes. Or the Dining Hall! Yes, get some breakfast. I'll meet you there shortly." He pushed his erstwhile superior forward, his face still caught in a rictus of terrifying false glee. When Bak was out of sight, Komui relaxed.

"Flowers. Pah. What a sleazy gift. As if my Lenalee would ever accept these." He sniffed and threw them over the balcony. He brightened up as they walked to the conference hall. "Where did you send him again? I'll want to have it cleaned later. Maybe burned for trace Baktopus toxins."

"To the Dining Hall for breakfast." Reever unlocked the door.

"Mm. Good." Komui sat at his chair and took a long gulp from his coffee mug. "Only... NOT GOOD!" He threw himself upright. "Lenalee is in there! NO! I HAVE TO GO THERE!"

Reever hurriedly locked the door behind them and activated a strange mechanism that brought a portcullis rattling down in front of it. He'd never been so happy to have one of Komui's madcap inventions nearby.

"You can't, sir. It's time for your meeting." He stepped over to the whimpering man, pawing feebly at the iron bars and dropped a large stack of pages and files in front of him. "With Mr Paperwork."

* * *

Outside the Dining Hall, Bak rearranged his cue cards nervously, checking his face in the mirror for any sign of the tell-tale red bumps. T_his time it will work. I can do this. I just have to smile and say hello and... what was it Fou said... limpid whirlpools? Can whirlpools be limpid? Never mind, let's... start with a smile..._

"Well hello there! What's a cutie like you doing sitting outside my kitchen, looking so depressed?"

Frozen in fear, Bak looked up into the chiseled face of HQ's cook. Jerry ignored his panicky look and continued babbling at him, brushing a hand over his hair.

"Ooh such soft hair! Come inside, I'll cook you up a dish that will make you cry with joy!" The flamboyant man pulled him upright with one hand, sending all his cue cards flying. He tried to protest, frantically scrabbling for the scattered bits of card as Jerry pulled him inside his lair and let the door slam behind them.

"So then muffin, what's your name?" Jerry crouched opposite Bak's dishevelled figure.

_Quick, grasp some dignity, you moron! Think of a plan!_

Propelled by his inner monologue, Bak snapped upright and away from the overly-friendly chef. "Ahem! My name is Bak Chan, Leader of the Asia Section."

All attempts at gaining a dignified composure were ruined as the giant man grabbed his hand and cooed, "Oooh! Mr Bak! I've never had the chance to cook for a Section Leader before. I'll cook you anything, anything that you want!"

Bak tried to pry his now mangled fingers out of the chef's hands as a thought struck him. He yanked his hand free and gave the starry-eyed man a winning yet crafty smile.

"What does Lenalee Lee usually take for breakfast?"

"Miss Lenalee usually likes a pain au chocolat and a small bowl of strawberries and honey for breakfast at this time. I was just about to make up her order; it would be no trouble to duplicate it, especially not for you." Bak couldn't help but raise his eyebrows at the demure look Jerry gave him.

"Of course. Why don't you do that... and I'll take them both out when you're done." When the chef's back had turned, he let his eyes slit in anticipation.

_Yes, I'll do it this time. Komui's too busy to stop me now and she wouldn't reject me in front of all of these people. Oh no, my Lenalee is far too polite. _

He allowed himself a few minutes pleasant daydreaming of his lady-love to calm himself down. Of course this would work.

* * *

Johnny spotted Bak first as he rounded the corner into the Hall, a serene smile on his face.

"Code Red! Cover me!" he whispered urgently to the surprised assistant next to him. He stood up and signaled discreetly to one of the assistants a few tables over, who signaled further to Tap-Dop, a couple of tables ahead of the erstwhile suitor. He stood and nodded at his friend, positioned next to Lenalee along the back wall. The cat and mouse game had begun.

Bak hummed merrily to himself and closed his eyes, picturing the wonderful smile Lenalee would bestow upon him when he brought her her breakfast. He felt tingly all over at the thought of being able to sit opposite her and watch her graceful motions as she ate. Locked in his reverie he had no chance to avoid the fat man bearing urgently down on him, until they collided. His eyes snapped open as he began to fall. _No! Can't drop the food, can't drop the food. Wait, drop one and support yourself! As long as you can give her one plate the plan will still work!_

He dropped one tray as he fell back, flinging his arm out to give him balance. He sighed with relief as he pulled himself upright, feeling Lenalee's tray still in his arms. Then leaving them. He tried to cling on but the fat man in front of him managed to lift the tray right out of his hands.

"Our order! How nice of you to bring it to us, shame about the other one though. You must be new."

Bak nodded numbly, "I'll just... go get you a replacement then."

"Oh no, you can't go back over there now." Tap-Dop gave him a theatrical look of horror. "Jerry **hates** people who waste food like that. If he heard you dropped one of his lovingly crafted meals... well, he'd have you flogged!"

Bak quivered. If there's one thing he knew from meeting Jerry, it was that there was no way he was going to let that man near him with a whip. He gulped as images of black leather and studs crossed his mind.

"No worries!" Tap-Dop grabbed him around the shoulders. "You can hide with us, plenty of food to go around!" He carefully steered the dejected Bak back towards his table, as far away from Lenalee as possible.

Back at Lenalee-Watch HQ, Johnny breathed a sigh of relief and turned to Lenalee.

"What was that you were doing, Johnny?" She asked with a curious smile on her face.

"Oh that was, um, communication by sign! It's an, er, experiment in efficiency. We needed to test it before we showed the Supervisor." He laughed nervously and offered her his plate. "Strawberry?"

* * *

When the laughing men finally finished teasing him and let him leave, Lenalee was nowhere to be seen. Bak pouted miserably. His cues were gone, his flowers, his breakfast plans... and now the object of his love was nowhere in sight. No matter, there was still time. If he could only find her...

Bak slunk into the empty room with a quiet smile. No matter what had gone before, he would not be beaten yet! He had been warned of the trials he might face in pursuit of his love, warned repeatedly by Wong and laughed at harshly by Fou. Thus he had prepared a secret weapon! He slipped a small black briefcase from under his coat and laid it reverently on the table. He caressed it just once before allowing himself to snap it open with a flourish, laughing in triumph.

_The Patented Lenalee Finding Kit!_

He picked up each item and laid it on the table next to the case with extreme care. _First, the Lenalee Finder 5000, a state of the art item designed to follow Lenalee to the ends of the earth!_ He tapped a small rodent-like golem with his finger.

"Wake up pretty, it's time to go hunting." Bak smirked in extreme satisfaction as he laid his invention on the floor and let it synchronise itself. He had designed it himself to measure the vibrations of footsteps as their owner-bodies walked around. This one specifically was calibrated to the approximate footfall of a 105lb girl with a dancer's gait, and designed to look incredibly adorable to female eyes. Well, Fou thought it was cute anyway.

"Got it, girl?" The golem's tail wiggled in response. "Okay then, let's go!"

Bak adopted a nonchalant stroll a few feet behind his golem as they headed through the corridor. After a few minutes of trundling the golem twirled its tail excitedly and started to pick up speed. _She must be close! My beautiful dancing blossom!_ It led him through a large archway and along an upper gallery before zipping round a corner some feet ahead of the panting Bak. He took a moment to carefully ruffle his hair and clear his throat before stepping around to corner with a dazzling smile, straight into a practice ground.

Bak barely had time to register where he was when three glowing strings shot straight towards him and deflected just short of his nose.

"Ah, is my time up?" A man at the centre of the arena tilted his head towards the intruder. Bak's nodded, shocked and not that he would admit it, but a little frightened by the sudden attack. The action dragged his eyes down to a small pile of shards at the Exorcist's feet.

"Muh-muh-my golem!"

"Huh? Did I hit one of yours? Sorry, all the vibrations sounded like my practice golems."

_My Lenalee Finder 5000! _Bak danced in utter frustration. "Could you not see it wasn't yours?"

Noise merely raised an eyebrow.

"I'm afraid Noise is blind." Section Leader Reever stepped out from behind him, trying to cover a smile at the Branch Leader's increasingly forlorn face. "But if you're interested in vibration golems why don't you come look at some of our intact prototypes? Then we can make our inspection of the new lab spaces." Reever winked at Noise over Bak's sunken head. Dejected, Bak followed him out of the arena to do his duty, leaving a bemused Noise behind them.

* * *

Bak sighed as he followed the gesturing scientist around. They'd been wandering for hours yet he'd seen no sign, no clue as to Lenalee's whereabouts. The man droned on about some new talisman upgrades, boring Bak slowly to sleep. Suddenly a delicate, ladylike laugh cut through his reverie. His eyes unglazed and he darted back and forth trying to spot Lenalee. Reever continued talking, not noticing Bak's frantic scuttling. Suddenly he spotted her, a little way down the corridor saying goodbye to another Exorcist. Gleefully he began to wave as she started to turn in his direction... only to stop and talk to a scientist bent under papers. _No, no you pig, don't ask a lady to help you! _Determined, he ran over, skidding to a stop in front of the two of them. He wheezed frantically, glaring at the intruder. Johnny raised his eyebrows and promptly filled the open arms of the breathless man with a stack of paperwork.

"Oh good come with me, this all needs to go to the Command Centre right away."

"Bye Johnny, I'll stop by later."

At the sound of her voice his heart stopped and all his protests dried in his mouth. He could feel the prickling of the rash rise right up his spine. He weeped in frustration in his paper prison, for once glad that she couldn't see him, but still infuriated at the gall of the young man in front of him. Filled with impotent rage he hurried after the little man, determined to dump the paper and leave. _If I hurry, she won't have time to go far! _However, as soon as he dropped the papers off someone else would ask for his help, or his advice or just call him in for coffee and a biccie. However close he came to Lenalee, he was instantly thwarted by the apparent hordes of scientists, alchemists and general helpers, some of whom with increasingly ludicrous and suspicious facial hair.

_Bah, _he thought, _there's no way I'll get close to her if they keep piling all this work on me. Must get out of it somehow..._

When the next bearded, grinning assailant accosted him for sandwiches and 'an extensive discourse on the increased use of merda taurorum and its effect on the morale of the corps' he died a little inside.

"I'm afraid I have a slight headache," he quavered convincingly, "is there a room I could use, lie down for a bit?"The assistant pulled a sympathetic face, hampered somewhat by the fact that he couldn't stop grinning.

With a wry smirk he led the exhausted Branch Leader to an empty room nearby before leaving at a run to bring the good news to his companions. Alone at last, Bak grinned an evil grin. With the break from the Department's constant harassment he had been able to formulate a plan. The perfect plan. Now all he needed were a few items from his special case...

Within an hour he was ready. The room was festooned with bouquets of roses and lit alluringly by dozens of groups of candles scattered about. A bottle of wine stood on the table. Bak surveyed his work with a barely contained glee. This was guaranteed to work. Lou Fa had read it in a book once. He opened the door and peered round it, coughing pathetically to attract the attention of anyone nearby. Almost at once a tall man hurried to his aid. Bak paused for a moment, fascinated by this one's handlebar mustache that threatened to engulf his lips. Was ridiculous facial hair a necessity at Head Quarters?

_Maybe I should grow a goatee... No, if Lenalee is surrounded by this bushy-faced Neanderthals all the time, I'm sure it would be a relief to see a man who's man enough to let his face go bare. You'll see, I'll win against all these bulky, bearded fools!_

"Is everything alright sir? I was told to fetch you anything you needed."

"Oh, yes." _The plan! _"I seem to have become dreadfully feverish."

The man stepped away a little. "Oh my, do you require medical attention?"

"Oh no, it happens sometimes. What usually fixes it are the cooling hands of a delicate maiden upon my heated brow." _What on earth is Lou Fa reading these days? Heated brow? _"Perhaps you could fetch such a helpful girl?" He raised his eyebrow meaningfully.

The man caught his eye and saluted. "At once sir!"

Back behind the closed door Bak arranged himself on the bed in what he assumed to be a semi-pathetic, semi-seductive pose. The book had had illustrations on doing this, but Lou Fa had blushed and run away when he asked to see them. _Strange girl. Maybe Fou should talk to her._ He mused and waited expectantly for the knock on his door and the attentions of the sweet Lenalee. Not even Komui could stop her attending to a sick man surely.

* * *

Russell knocked politely at the door of the Hospital and waited. After a few minutes the door opened and Head Quarter's steely eyed matron glared out.

"Who's sick?"

"Ah Madam, I'm afraid there is a guest with a fever who has requested the attention of your magic hands. He heard that they were better than an ice pack when one is sick."

"Hmph. Someone has appreciation for my talents anyway. Show me to him."

* * *

When the knock came Bak answered with a groan, and continued to languish as seductively as he could. He closed his eyes and waited for the footsteps to approach the bed, puckering his lips into a kissable pout. At the first touch of a cold hand on his forehead he tilted his head up and went in to kiss... a horrified old lady.

Correction. A horrified old lady with a slap that felt like it had a train behind it.

Outside Russell listened to the screaming and wondered if he should step in at all. This was going to look far too much like murder...

Inside Bak couldn't tell who was screaming louder, him or the Matron. He threw himself off the bed and away from her ringing slaps. Scrabbling furiously for his shirt and case he tried to wriggle under the bed only to be dragged out and punted pointedly towards the door.

"CONMAN! PHILANDERER! SLOBBERING PERVERT!" With the final insult she stepped over his bruised body, collapsed in the doorway and stormed off down the corridor, muttering dire curses to hide the incredible red blush spreading over her aged cheeks.

Groaning on the floor, Bak almost decided defeat. He bet that never happened to the heroes in Lou Fa's books. When he got back to Asia he swore he would burn them all and dance in the ashes. But still he pulled himself up dizzily. _One last try, _he swore, _one final attempt. The big one. The Casanova Plan._

_

* * *

  
_

This was it! Finally! Bak had cornered a luckless Finder in the corridor, still nursing his bruises from the Matron fiasco. Gripping the woman's plain overalls, Bak whispered intimidatingly into her ears:

"Tell me where I can find the room."

"Whose?"

"The room containing the most amazing Exorcist of all... The Jewel of the Black Order."

"Who?"

"Oh you know, flowing hair, sexy boots." Bak was not about to speak his love's name in front of such a low-level flunky. Besides if he spoke too soon the terrible itching flush might come back.

"Oh right. Down this level to the right, just past the meditation rooms. Last room on the floor." The young Finder blushed as she wondered what on earth Leader Bak could want there...

Bak limped speedily past her, rummaging inside his tattered coat one last time. Most of the objects in his coat had been broken in the... fracas. Except this. This would allow him to win her love once and for all.

He paused for a moment outside the door and cleared his throat. He attempted to smooth his ruffled hair into an attractive pose and mostly gave up. This time it would not be his looks that would win him her fair smile. Instead it would be a rather different talent.

Wincing slightly, he knelt in front of the door and reverently took a small, polished ukelele from the remnants of his Lenalee-Finding Kit. With a deep breath he started to strum.

"Ooooh, Lenalee, my love  
I watch you soaring from above,  
But not up your skirt,

Your brother would keeelll meeee

My lovely, lovely Lenale -"

He was cut off in mid wobbling note by a sudden and painful boot to the face.

"EEE!"

"What is with the caterwauling? Annoying man disturbing my sleep! My Mugen will cut your throat out!"

There was a crunch as Kanda assumed a battle pose, on top of Bak's poor broken ukelele. With a terrified yelp, Bak flew to the side to avoid the slicing blade and hit the ground running.

"DON'T KILL ME!" He wailed as he ran down the corridors. "SOMEONE SAVE ME!"

"HELL'S INSECTS!"

Bak pelted away, searching desperately for somewhere to take cover from Kanda's famed aerial attacks. He spotted a door on the other side of the foyer and flung himself towards him, keeping just a skip ahead of the furiously buzzing hell-bugs. He threw himself into the portal and slammed the door behind him, pushing against it with all his weight.

Outside Kanda's bugs hissed angrily and swarmed around. Passers-by instantly made themselves look incredibly and intensely innocent as their master strode purposefully into the area and towards the door.

Bak whimpered as the heavy tread came closer, loud even over the bugs.

With an angry satisfaction, Kanda slammed the bar across the door and walked off muttering about time-wasters and a spoiling of his afternoon.

As Kanda stormed past, the Science Department engaged in some discreet high-fives and a pained removal of their disguises.

"Alright, finally we can do some real work. Sixty-five, go inform the Supervisor."

"You can take off the beard now Johnny, it's over."

"Don't you think it makes me look older?"

* * *

Satisfied with the success of Operation Save Our Sister (From The Evil Grabbing Hands Of Monstrous Men), Komui laid his head on his desk with a smirk and closed his eyes. Success required a considerable amount of napping. Just as he drifted away into a happy dream, free of the paperwork menace, he heard the door open.

"Sir, we have a rumour that a red haired man in a long coat is greeting Lenalee in the foyer. She's completely alone."

"WHAT?! BATTLESTATIONS, IT'S A CODE CROSS!"

* * *

_**A/N: **Aww, I kinda feel sorry for Bak now. There is an alternate ending to this over in my Shipping Collection. Reviews and concrit are always welcome._


End file.
